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Wednesday, June 12, 2013


I've been feeling a bit lost, lately. It's not a heavy, soul-crushing depression like I was suffering with, nothing like that. Just...kind of lost in the woods. I'm not where I want to be in life, but where I'd like to be is so far away that it's just unreachable. I know, I know, someone (or multiple someones) is bound to say, "nothing is unreachable."

Truth is, that's wishful thinking. Some things are.

Before anyone says "I told you so," or says something like, "You'll never be satisfied, no matter what job you're doing," I'd like to clarify that I'm not bitching about my job. It's not a dream job, not by any stretch. But it's not bad, either. It's very stressful, like, all the time. I think about work even when I sleep. That's not 100% healthy, but it's also just the nature of the job I do. I'm responsible for managing a whole lot of imaginary money that unfortunately has all-too-real effects on the institution for which I work. I have no experience doing this, and the learning curve is steeper than I ever imagined. I think I'm doing well, but because it's my nature to think this way, I also think I'm not doing as well as I should be.

 But that's neither here nor there. This job was always meant to be a way station. I'll do the best I can, learn what I can, but I need to keep looking to better myself. I lost sight of that at first, thinking I really owe them for taking a chance on me. But as my 1-year anniversary at this place comes up in less than 3 months, I think it's time to set my sights back on the Big Picture.

The problem is, I need to (first) clear away my debts, and (second) come up with a BARE minimum figure of $20,000-$30,000 before I can even put together a business plan and go for a small business loan. That's BARE minimum. Where I'm going to come up with that, I have absolutely no idea because at the moment I can't even pay down a couple of medium-level credit cards. If I WAS able to clear away my debts, I could probably save it in somewhere between 3 and 5 years. Maybe less, if I scored enough in the way of writing gigs that I used to power it as well.

It's do-able, but man, I don't want to spend another half decade crunching numbers in an academic institution.

People think I've done the right thing. Moved up in my current career path, gotten big raises, bought a house, I'm getting ready to raise a family...somewhere in there, the word "sacrifice" became the definition of my entire life, and somehow even people I care about think that's okay. It's all about money first and happiness second (if at all). I'm getting tired of living that way, but I just don't see a way out. All I do is sacrifice, and sacrifice, and sacrifice, and do what I'm supposed to do and what's expected of me...when do I get to do what I want to do? When do I get to try something that'll make me happy? Why am I always putting what others think I should do ahead of what I want to do?

Man, this isn't why we were put on this Earth. But then again, this Earth is a beautiful planet that we've kind of pissed all over anyway.

Doesn't matter, in the end. I'll never have what I want. Why keep bitching about it? May as well just live with the hand life has dealt me and accept the fact that other people get to have happiness. I don't. 

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Sophia, Goddess of Wisdom, and Mary Magdalene.

I'm not a mad bible thumper--Sophia, however, is my inspiration and always in my heart