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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Creation of Humans

We all know that God is the greatest practical joker ever--and He's not even subtle about it. He loves to get His jollies off of the predicaments into which we get ourselves. The most obvious and traditional evidence of this sense of humor is the platypus. No explanation needed there. Another good one is getting back to your parking meter 30 seconds after it's run out to find yourself getting a parking ticket. You come outside to go to work on a day when you have an important deadline, get in the car, it starts, then just as you start to back out of the driveway, it dies and won't start again. You call the wrecker, and he shows up, only to find that the car starts fine. You've missed your deadline, and the car never gives you any trouble again.

You get the idea.

So here's my concept of the creation of humans, many tens of thousands of years ago, in Heaven.


St. Peter: Don't give it to anyone else.

God: Shut up, dumbass. No, I'm going to make men hit their sexual peak at 17 or 18...but women don't hit it till they're 35! And men have 15 second orgasms. Women? 15 MINUTES!

St. Paul: Are you smoking again?

God: No, it'll be great! By 2007 AD, teachers will be having sex with students and nobody will know what's going on!

St. Mary:...that's pretty fucked up, God.

God: Hee. Hee hee. Hee hee hand me some of those ultra-sensitive nerve endings over there.

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Sophia, Goddess of Wisdom, and Mary Magdalene.

I'm not a mad bible thumper--Sophia, however, is my inspiration and always in my heart