I am SICK of failure. Especially when it's failure I apparently have no control over. I was up for a new job at Pitt--one that would be a step up in title and pay. One where everyone who worked there seemed like great people. I went through THREE stages of interviews, and every one felt like it went the best you can possibly hope for an interview to go. I was excited, confident, and looking forward to a position where I could just be generally content with my state.
I got the "your credentials were impressive but we are going with another candidate" form letter on Saturday.
I don't get it. I really don't. Every single question they asked, I was able to honestly answer with, "Yes, I've done that before," or "Yes, I'm doing that at my current position." Every one. The interviews were cordial and comfortable. They even asked me my salary requirements (and I didn't make any heavy demands in that area). What the Hell do I have to do to find a position where I can be just content with my state in life? I'm not asking for bliss, here. Just contentment. Is that too much?
I'm starting to wonder why I even bother anymore. No matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I just fail. Time and again. I bring down everyone around me and never seem to get it right. I'm really sick of it. Why even bother anymore? Nothing is ever going to go my way. It never has, and it never will.
Sara called Julie and I on Friday to tell us that Tania, a girl we were friends with in college, was in town for the evening with a friend and wanted to meet up. So we went out for dinner and drinks with them. There I was, sitting at the table with my wife (an established mental health therapist), my sister (a project manager for a multinational computer corporation), our old friend (a marketing consultant for another multinational corporation) and Tania's friend (a business executive for a company located in Germany). And there I was, 35 years old, an administrative assistant at Pitt--pursuing a Master's degree, granted, but really, do I have much of a chance of actually finding a job in library or info science when I get out?
I even said it to Tania's friend at one point (whose name I oddly never got): "I'm the only one at this table who hasn't made good with his life."
I guess that's all for now. Time to go back to being a quiet failure instead of engaging in a futile struggle to better my station. Sorry for the tone of this blog. It is what it is, though.