Blog Archive

Monday, November 15, 2010

Yep, winter is coming

Winter is definitely on its way. I know because I'm feeling that restless wanderlust and sense of extreme misery with my entire life that always accompanies this time of year. Winter is exceptionally difficult for me, and is compounded by the fact that I'm just wildly unhappy with my situation in life right now. I am seriously very miserable, waking up every day just sick about facing coming to this place. I'm working to change that, of course, but it can't happen fast enough. And I'm still petrified about not being able to find a job in a library when I'm done with school, given how limited my options are, being stuck in the Pittsburgh area and unable to move away.

Life looks pretty bleak to me these days. Every time there's any little blowup at work (and let's face it--who doesn't have those on a regular basis?) it just hammers home how much I abhor what I do for a living. I never wanted this. Ever. I fell into it and it pays the bills. But it's starting to invade my life outside of work, and I shouldn't have to worry about my job when I'm not here. Maybe some people disagree with me, but that's how I see it. I don't live for work. I work so I can enjoy life, at least until I get into a career of my own choosing instead of one with which I am stuck (and trapped). Then, maybe, things will change.

Ugh, too much to get done for class, too much stress at work...yeah, this semester sucks hard. My friend of Misery, indeed.

And before a ton of people come around and tell me that I have seasonal affective disorder (I AM SAD! :p) and should seek your breath and the potential carpel tunnel you'll get from typing it out. I'm well aware that I have seasonal depression. It's mild and manageable and millions of people have it. I don't believe in running out to get pills so I can enjoy Better Living Through Chemistry. At least not until I stop finding the will to get out of bed and do what I need to do to get through the day.

It's crazy, though: as hard as the change of seasons is on me, at the same time I love the fall. I love the crispness and smell in the air, the colors of the leaves. The only thing that sucks about fall is that winter comes after it. So yeah, I'm stuck with this lingering sense of stress, tension and misery coupled with an excitement and love for this time of year. Put those two together and tell me how confusing that is to feel.

I pray every day for things to change for the better, and I look for opportunities to affect that change for myself (because I believe the Mother and Father send us opportunities, not easy answers) but I'm just not seeing them there.

I don't know. Life sucks right now. Sorry this is such a dark post...that's just how I'm feeling today. Something seriously needs to change, and soon, that's all I know.

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Sophia, Goddess of Wisdom, and Mary Magdalene.

I'm not a mad bible thumper--Sophia, however, is my inspiration and always in my heart